I realized that most of my posts for the last year or so has been centred on you.
I am not sure i am too pleased with that.
Seems that i am losing perspective.

What a coincidence!
Just as i was writing about letting my cat on a diet because he is overweight, an article came out today talking about overweight pets. It seems that cat in particular, tends to become overweight quickly, and at a younger age too. Looks like Ruskie has plenty of company in the diet campaign.

After the vet recommended that my cat should go on a diet, i have stopped feeding him twice a day (once before i go to work and once after i reach home at night) to just feeding him once in the morning. I don't think he is taking to that very well because he kept meowing at me the whole night and looking at his empty bowl so piteously yesterday. It seemed that he was not just taking 2 meals a day but even three because my maid would feed him sometimes in the afternoon when she noticed that his bowl is empty (or perhaps she too suffered from his "i'm-so-pitiful" look). So you can imagine what a big difference it made when suddenly he could only get a bowl of food a day. In the end, i relented a little and gave him a few bits just to calm him down. I guess it would have to be a gradual cold turkey for him or else it may seriously dement the poor fellow.

Well, as much as it pains me to "starve" the poor thing, i guess it is for his own good. Hopefully he will get used to it soon.

Finally able to relax during the one week holidays.

Spent last saturday with the girls and our respective boyfriends at one of their houses to celebrate Mid-autumn festival. Quite a relaxing evening drinking wine, watching dvds, eating moon cakes and walking around with our little paper lanterns and sparklers. I guess the highlight of the evening was when three of them got tossed into the swimming pool.

Too much of fiddling perhaps?
But at least everything looks okie now.
Just need to tweak the profile a little.

Something strange...
how is it that only the latest post is posted by Aury and the rest revert back to Alice?

Added some links to blogs i read.
There are more of course, but can't remember off hand what their url are, as this is not my home computer.
And then there are those i know would prefer me not to add their links on here.

Its school holidays, hence the time to type long posts. *heh heh*

Mom and dad are back from china. Both are looking healthy and happy. Heard that they have been climbing hills and swimming for exercise. After a rather stressful week with the car, i am very glad my dad is back to help me with it now. Somehow dad is always the one to... what i call "shou1 shi4 can2 ju2" (i.e. clear up the wreakage) most of the time. Actually, throughout the year without them, i am slowly learning all the skills to do such things on my own. For example, knowing what is wrong with the house and getting people to fix the aircon, door, house alarm system and the various things that will break down etc. Or even knowing what is wrong with the car from the radiator to the fan belt to the engine fuel tank. The latest new knowledge i have picked up about "what can go wrong with a car" is something called a regulator. Most of the time i fare pretty okie on my own with what little i know and by trying to solve the various little problems, i am accumlating useful knowledge that will come in handy when i have a family of my own. But still, there are days when i cannot help but wish that my dad will be around to tell me what to do.

Somehow, it always feel like there is nothing too great to tackle when dad is around. I think i will probably continue to feel that when i am 37 or 47 because dad will be indefinitely wiser and more experienced than i am. And i appreciate whatever that he has imparted to us throughout my life. When i was young, i used to think that my dad is the smartest man on earth. Even though i don't quite think the same now, i still feel that he is wiser than alot of people i know. He has a wealth of experience and knowledge, while not necessary of the "academic" kind but is exactly the kind that will distinguish you in everyday life. In other words, my dad is particularly shrew and street-savvy. Sure, he didn't exactly do very well in school (he always maintained that it was due to him working and studying part time), but he always said jokingly that he would have scored a distinction if he was tested in "she4 hui4 da xue2" (i.e. "society's university" - real world) and i agree wholeheartedly.

From the day that i was born till now, my dad has lived through many trials and tribulations to reach where he is now, a successful businessman and husband and father. He left his hometown in Muar to Singapore when he was very young and work to support himself through A-levels. He was a clerk in an antique import/export company and later on became a successful interior furnishing businessman. In fact so successful that he even refurnished the sultan's palace in JB. He knew plenty of big shots and made his mark in his early 30s. As he was proud and successful, he too suffered from the bane or temptation of most businessmen, women. But ultimately love for the children and family prevailed and from that experience, he became a better husband. He has always been a good and loving father, and it was from that experience i realized that we, his children, has always come first in his heart.

In the recession of '85, he went bankrupted and lost his business and money. At that time, we had just moved to singapore and for 3 years, we were constantly in debt and was literally living from hand to mouth. To skip a long and tedious story of my childhood, it took my parents almost 5 years to finally reach a stage where we can be comfortable and stop worrying about money altogether. That is not to say that as kids, my brothers and I had a difficult time. Sure, at times we didn't have any pocket money for a long time or any toys or even material comforts that we used to take for granted while living it up as little princess and princes. But we had enough to eat and had lots of fun playing with friends around the neighbourhood. We lived through a period of initial embarrassment of knocking on strangers' doors to advertise my mom's home-catering services and became deliveryboys for a while. My brothers and I had been involved in one way of the other in "illicit smuggling operations" across the causeway while our family were trying to make ends meet. It was a fun-filled and exciting childhood all in all and one thing we had learnt was how my parents never gave up. My dad, though depressed for a while about losing everything, picked himself up and with the help of my mom provided for us whatever they could. Whether rich or poor, up or down, our family had always moved on and my dad has been the captain and my mom, his first mate. It never fail to amaze me how capable my dad is each step of the way and how supportive my mom is (no matter how i joke about her being "childish').

And as i grow older, i value his insights and advice even more once i had to tackle some of life's issues. He taught me about looking into my finances (which i still fare poorly), how to sort out all the little administrative procedures which plagued our daily lives (e.g. CPF, citizenship stuff, passport, lawyers), how to maintain and upkeep a household and car(ranging from maid employment to household appliances and "what exactly is wrong with the car" 101). My dad is a neat and meticulous man who keeps files of all the necessary documents. By the time we reached 18, he has photocopied all my siblings and mine various personal documents (e.g. IC, passports of family, birth cert, reports from school, piano certs) put into each personal folders to be maintained by us. I could only wished that i am half as organize as him but i know he is what i aspire to be in terms of managing my life. Though there are some life values which sometimes we differ in (e.g. i am too "idealistic" and he is too "pragmatic") but he has always given me the choice to do what i want and supported me mentally and financially.

I didn't realize that i have typed so much about my dad. But then there are so much more i could have written about him. He is kind and helpful though some people will find him too pragmatic or materialistic to a certain extend. But he is a good father and role model to me and my brothers, and sometimes the only thing i worry about is not making him proud. Everytime he comes home, he would lament half-smilingly that the pay i take home will never be enough to support myself and try to persuade me to work for him in china. Each time he knows i would declined but that certainly did not stop him from trying. Yet, it was he who gave me money to further my studies when i told him i wanted to be a psychologist and he who still reassure me that money will not be an issue if i wanted to do my phd. Though i know he wanted me to join him in china, he has never asked me to quit my job and always tell his friends that he is glad that his child can go out and do charity work without worrying about money. At times he would be the one to persuade my mom to stop worrying about me and let me do the work that i want to do. And he is the person i will turn to help keep mom off my back as she is the worrywart (i.e. nagging one) in the family.

My dad is 55 this year. He is not looking forward to retirement because he prefers to keep working and keep his mind active. He also said that it is because he doesn't want my mom and him to be a burden for us kids when he is old, when it is actually the other way around because even if he is to stop working now, he could still be capable enough to take care of the rest of the family. He had planned it that way.

Such a long post but really, nothing can be said enough about how much i love or appreciate my dad and my mom. I am really really really lucky to have them and though i know i irritate my mom periodically, i never stopped thanking my lucky star that they are my parents. I only hope they would never ever regret having me as their daughter and that i hope i will never fail them in anyway.

Weighing at 6.85kg, Ruskie definite needs more exercise to lose some weight. Vet said that he should weight less than 5kg. I am not sure how fat is fat but then Ruskie just looks big to me. Oh well, looks like i got to look for some diet food for him from now on.

The vet said that my cat is fat.
He needs to go on a diet and that is that.

After losing my pendant last thursday, my weekend went surprisingly well, spending it with friends and him doing various things we enjoyed which include a midnight picnic and watching a silly movie.

Can't say much about last night though. Seems my luck went into the pits again. Shall not write too much but suffice to say, it involved a tow truck and an erractic house alarm system, and the end result of it all is a splitting headache and humongous eye bags.

Right now, i'm feeling like the most unfortunate person on earth which logic tells me, is impossible that i am. Hence i shall just wire my mouth shut and calm my frantic fingers from typing more which i'm sure i would be grateful that i did because in retrospect, i would eventually look back upon this day and LAUGH.

Bond...

Loss...

No, i don't have real hopes that it would ever be found.
Call me dismal and pessimistic
but i worry about omens and signs.
Shit.
I sound so superstitious.
Yet i remember the spanish doll.
Smashed but mended.
Can this be lost and then found?
Hardly likely.
I don't like to see things when they shouldn't be.
Yet, when things are out of my control, i couldn't help it.
This could be an escapist mentality.
I blame myself for my carelessness
and worry if this could herald some deeper loss for me.
I am frightened of losses.
Perhaps some will say then that i am fearful of living too,
since isn't that what life is?
Gaining some and losing some.
Perhaps i am just selfish.
I don't mind losing what is not dear to me.
I embrace highs and lows only with certain stipulations.

Don't mess with my heart.
Don't mess with my mind.
Take my humour, my patience, my time.
Just not my heart or my mind.

This will sound haphazard. Precisely because i am feeling quite disoriented now. Losing my foothold somehow. It may seem inconsequential to most but i have just lost something very very dear to me. A pendant which i have been wearing daily for 5 years since Sept 20 1998. It was nothing expensive, just a little celtic pendant he bought from Ireland while on a trip there. I am quite sure it was never bought intentionally for me either. However, on the day of our departure from singapore to london, on my first year overseas, he put this pendant on me while we were waiting for the flight in the waiting lounge inside terminal 2. I could still remember quite clearly that i have been feeling miserable and sad because it was my first time leaving home to study overseas when he suddenly said that he had something for me. It was barely 2 months after we started going out together "officially" but yet this was one of the most important day of our lives together. It may sound silly but somehow, it has always felt that when he put the pendant on me, from then on, there was an unmistake feeling on my part that we have a bond beyond just friends. Despite many setbacks early in the relationship, this pendant had always made me felt somewhat special, perhaps a sense of belonging when all else around me sometimes denote otherwise. A branding of sort maybe. Branding me to him.

Throughout the years, the pendant lost it initial lustre but it didn't matter. I wore it everywhere i go everyday. On a few occasions when we fought, i took it off as a demonstration of cutting him off from myself but inevitably, it never stay off for more than 3 days. The pendant has grown to symbolize us. During the roughest period of our relationship, the pendant and the ring were the first things i thought of giving up beyond all else. And throughout the last 5 years of us being together, there has only been once when i have ever wanted to give them back to him. The value of these two combined is worth alot more than diamonds and pearls in my mind.

I cannot really articulate what things can mean for one, especially for me. I know i am someone who place tremendous amount of sentimental values on objects. I personify and give meanings to my belonging. Not a particularly good thing in this instance because by giving this pendant such symbolism and meaning, i find myself unable to detach myself from it. Between the pendant and the ring which i am now wearing on my left hand, i would have bear the pain slightly better if i have lost the ring. The pendant is older and was there right at the start. I feel lost without it.

Its stupid. So many times i asked how could i have lost it. How could i? How could i just drop it? I keep thinking and thinking about it. What carelessness? How could i? Where? Somehow i just still want to have hope of finding it but yet not daring to because fearing the disappointment will be greater still. But i am not willing to just let go like that. I am like that. Problem with letting go anything dear to me. Foolish selfishness. Narrowmindedness. Fool. To feel physical pain.

I don't care when you told me it is okie and that i will still feel it in my heart. I don't want to forget. I don't want you to forget. Don't you realize that you might? I don't want to give up. I don't want to hear that you are glad i feel so much for the pendant because it meant that i feel alot for us too. I know that. But this is not about that. This is about keeping hold of my last binding tread to what this relationship has been for me before everything cracked up last year. All my memories and emotions and love was anchored by it near my heart and now it seems everything is chaotic around me. I am feeling lost.

I have not said this for so long. But i love you. And you are right, i do. I just could never say it out loud for the last year. I have whispered it many times inside me and the pendant knows. See. Now everything is unleashed without it. You are glad because what you had hoped to hear has been released. But i have also lost something that stablized me throughout the year. Don't tell me that i shouldn't place so much empharsis on material objects. I don't really care.

I just felt so lost.

Okie.
Will be back in a bit.
Been a whirlwind sort of 2 weeks and now recovering from stomach flu.

Just remember suddenly that i have watched dimsum dollies a while back.
That must have been before national day.
Oh.
watching firewords from across the stadium at tanjong rhu.
Walking all the way from old airport road.
Geez.

Okie.
Leaving little "post-it" on my blog to help me remember.
Head all muddled.
Not in best condition to write anything more.
Will be back in abit.

In the perfect world, I wouldn't be writing this blog.

Seems like there are some speculations of employer's contribution towards CPF being cut.
How nice to have a big rousing NDP celebration, get everyone in the mood and then slash of their savings like that.
Perhaps in the midst of feeling patriotic, people wouldn't mind as much.
Seeing it as serving nation's duty.
Oh well.
Being one with hardly any sense of "country loyalty", i am just natually sceptical of what politicians today say and do.
Hopefully rumours will just remain rumours.

My old maid had decided to return home back to indonesia. In the her place, a brand new maid who has never been to Singapore before. Seems like another comfort zone is gone now cos' Siti (my old maid) has been with us for almost 5 years and for the whole of last year, she and me has been practically alone in our big big house. So it is safe to say that she knows all my little quirks, from what i like to eat and my habits each day. During the last 5 years she has learnt to cook a mean curry, ginger chicken and yam cake. She has also learnt english during her stay and i must say that her english is definitely better than my berhasa. But i guess it is about time she return home and lead the life she wanted (getting married and having a shop of her own) and all my well wishes goes to her.